Drive

Tonight I spent a few minutes reading A Sand County Almanac by Aldo Leopold and then went for a drive. I'm not sure why, but I ended up in a canyon near my place and it was one of the best decisions I've made all week.

The night was beautiful up there it was raining in the valley but there it was snowing lightly. I'm always amazed of just how much fresh snow changes things. It covers the world in such a way that no other natural phenomena can. All of the imperfections of the day to day are gone. A fresh sheet, a new slate. Even the tire marks were beginning to fade as I trudged on.

When I reached the end of the road, I was at a parking lot that is used for a small reservoir and also an unloading place for dirt bikes and the like. I pulled up to the edge where the snow had been piled up from plows and with my high beams, and tried to peer across the small body of water to the other side. I couldn't see anything. I turned off my car, unplugged my ipod, covered the annoying blinking lights, and sat. As one would expect, slowly my eyes adjusted to the light available. Then I remembered one of my favorite quotes from Edward Abbey that goes like this.

“There's another disadvantage to the use of the flashlight: like many other mechanical gadgets it tends to separate a man from the world around him. If I switch it on my eyes adapt to it and I can see only the small pool of light it makes in front of me; I am isolated. Leaving the flashlight in my pocket where it belongs, I remain a part of the environment I walk through and my vision though limited has no sharp or definite boundary.” 

It was nice to feel like I was closer to the natural world. (Keep in mind, I didn't actually get out of the car. I love nature, but it was freezing cold and snowing. Plus I have an irrational fear of cougars.)

So there I sat, with my car off letting the warmth radiate out of the car and into the night sky.And
I realized a few things. 1) I don't want my tracks to be covered up when I'm done here. I want to be remembered, and honestly I know that isn't weird but I've never before felt that in my own life with the clarity and very real possibility that it holds. When we leave here, our only contribution is through the lives of others. 2) I've felt like lately I've been turning my wheels and staying so busy but I am not making much progress. I need to better focus my activities while at the same time seeing the big picture. Turn off my proverbial flashlight as Abbey says. It was all very beautiful.

Weekend Thoughts

Over the weekend I had the chance to spend some time with great friends. We had a 'guys night' with some of my very best friends and it was so fun to see people that I hadn't had much interaction with in the past few months. Most of them are married so we rarely get an opportunity to all get together like we did. In honor of the occasion we ate sushi and watched a movie (side note: go see Chronicle, it's amazing) then after the movie, about half of the group needed to go home to their wives.

As I watched them walk away, a pang of sadness struck me as the thought came to me, "the chapter of my life with those wonderful people in it is over." I don't mean that I won't see them again. It's just that they aren't there like they once were, and I don't blame them. I wouldn't change it at all. I've seen their entire personality light up with the joy of sharing their lives with another person. I couldn't have picked better spouses for them myself. This probably sounds juvenile- because in a way it is.

I guess the main reason for my feelings that night was that I want that too. I want to be able to make excuses to leave 'guys night' early; for someone to go home to. Sure- I've had a lot of adventures, and I plan to continue that in the future. But who wants to go it alone? To experience the love of someone that makes you a better person is what I crave. I want to live my life for someone that knows without a shadow of doubt that they have my heart. Like a child nestled in layers of blankets on a cold winter's night; knowing that though the storm may be raging outside, you are safe and because of that, you can rest easy.


An amazing song:

The Loneliest Library

Yesterday, as I was sitting in Biology class I noticed a boy and girl in front of me that were unabashedly flirting. It wasn't a bad thing really. I mean, good for them! You could tell by their disregard for the professor's lecture that they were into each other. Maybe it was the fact that he was turned 90 degrees in his chair talking to her, so that his feet rested under her chair. Or maybe it was that when she said she had just shaved her legs he touched them lightly, whilst making eye contact. It even went as far as her touching his chest lightly telling him that he worked out a lot. Overall, it was the second best part of Biology class... next to the Cell Membrane.

I'm sure you thought I was joking.

It's funny how viewing things like that change your perspective and what you tend to notice. It wasn't that I was attracted to her- or him for that matter. It was that puppy love that they were experiencing.

Case in point: after class, I was in the library studying and I couldn't help but notice another couple. At first, it was just the boy standing oddly at the edge of a row of books, like he had somewhere to be but not impatient, just apprehensive. Then a girl came into the library, she had a look on her face that was pure excitement. I was on the upper floors so it is considered a quite zone. She walked quickly up to him, put her arms around his neck and they embraced. For the record: I'M NOT A CREEPER, they happened to be in my field of vision. At this point, they moved into the bookshelves, which are barely wide enough for one person to walk through, holding hands. I'm sure it was all very romantic.

much more narrow.

It also didn't help that I was listening to Death Cab for Cutie. I enjoy their (older) music quite a bit.

Home Movies

On Sunday evening, I was coerced into watching some old family videos and I'm so glad I did. A good portion of that had to do with the fact that someone had taken the time to make the archaic contraption known as a VHS player compatible with our television. The remaining part is due to an inspired idea from a great person.

We watched old videos, and started out with my Aunt's wedding in 1990. It was great to see my 5-6 year-old self, complete with mullet and cummerbund waddling around "helping out" at the reception. So much has changed in 20 years for everyone that was in the video. Now, I realize how stupid that sounds of COURSE people change over the course of 20 years. But it wasn't just the kids growing up. It was the now apparent wrinkles where smooth skin once dominated, the fact that romances that were just beginning, so fresh and full of life, have long since been dead. It was the obvious strength of loved ones that has since faded and eventually failed. While all of these observations were important to me and each memory touched me in a unique way, the thing that struck me with the most force was how fragile life is.

My heart was so full of love and joy not only for the scenes playing out on the screen but the thousand other memories that each image sparked. How amazing are our minds that we can recall all of these complex emotions with just a few light particles? In addition to the good, there was also a pang of loss for each new memory. Part of it had to do with loved ones that had passed away, both expected and untimely- but the loss of youth and innocence was present on every face that played across the screen.

At the end of the night, I walked into my room tired and full of thought only to find that my 5 year-old nephew had fallen asleep in my room. He was curled up like a cat in the middle of the bed. It was such a perfect moment. I had a beautiful glimpse of clarity- a sense of what life is, and the purpose of why things are the way they are. I couldn't have asked for anything more.

I listened to this song probably 5 times while writing this post btw.