It was a fine night.

It has been quite some time since my last post. A lot has happened, and I fully intend to give an update on my comings and goings. But not tonight. Tonight is about a burning desire to write that I've been lacking as of late. I believe it came from a lack of reading, I haven't been challenging myself. That was before I started reading real books again.

Lately, I've been having feelings of adventure budding up in my everyday life. Not that I'm actually going on adventures mind you, but more feelings of excitement of things to come. It feels a little like opening a new bottle of soda. A surge of energy comes rushing to the surface, changing my perspective- if even just for a moment, then dissipating into the atmosphere...

I just finished Hemingway's The Sun Also Rises (hence the sentence fragments) :). I don't intend to spoil, but just so you know- I may unintentionally give something away. Also, I feel inadequate in even writing my feelings about such an amazing author, but whatever. I won't be using literary terms, and I don't plan on dissecting it.

Jake Barnes is the main character that is an expat living in Paris, writing at a newspaper. At this point, you're probably asking yourself, "Brandon, what does this have to do with love?" that is when I counter and say, "now." Jake has Brett- and by has, I mean is desperately in love with. FYI Brett is a woman named Lady Brett Ashley but he always calls her Brett.

To me, she represents the full spectrum of an unhealthy relationship. At times, she is sweet and loving and vulnerable. Especially when she is alone with Jake. She tells him of how wonderful their life would be together if they could just be together. But she is also cruel and thoughtless and selfish. She brings other men around him, asks him to help her seduce men, and is engaged to another man from the beginning (whilst going through a 2nd divorce I might add). The way that the author tells of Jake's mostly hidden pain is wonderfully done.

It got me to thinking about my own life. Mores specifically about my Brett. It's easy to read about Jake and think to yourself, "man, what an idiot!" but when I read about his pain (even though it wasn't brought up often) I thought, "man, I can totally relate." Sometimes we do stupid things for people we care too much about. Sometimes, we don't see how helping the one we love is self destructive behavior and ruins us for a long time. But I like to think that Jake figures it all out in the end. I know he'd be a better person if he did.

A chapter of my life is finally ending, and a new one just beginning. Some has to do with opportunities that are coming up soon (like I said, I'll write another post about them) but it also has a lot to do with realization of certain elements of my life that have been on hold for sometime.

It's good to be back.

Don't Worry Baby

It seems like the more relationships I go through, the less I understand them. It's amazing that we put ourselves into turmoil and the depths of depravity just to feel the thrill of being wanted. Or maybe it's the fear of being alone that drives us? I used to try and make relationships work for as long as possible not because I wanted to try and date a particular person anymore, but because I didn't want to hurt them. Now I try not to get involved in the first place because I don't want to get hurt and because I want to cause as little hurt to others as possible.

I know it's a bad way to look at something as powerful and potentially positive as love. I just can't change it. I used to always want to be with her. To hold her hand all day and just stare into her eyes. I used to consider myself a hopeless romantic but when she left she took the romantic part with her and left me with the hopeless.

I think it has effected my ability to connect with someone. I want to fix it, to throw caution to the wind, but perhaps that isn't the best way. Because more than just young love, I want something real and concrete. Who doesn't want to be the 70 year-old couple that walks down the street holding hands?

I guess I'll wait... hopefully not too long though.

ps- I keep listening to this song.

Weekend Thoughts

Over the weekend I had the chance to spend some time with great friends. We had a 'guys night' with some of my very best friends and it was so fun to see people that I hadn't had much interaction with in the past few months. Most of them are married so we rarely get an opportunity to all get together like we did. In honor of the occasion we ate sushi and watched a movie (side note: go see Chronicle, it's amazing) then after the movie, about half of the group needed to go home to their wives.

As I watched them walk away, a pang of sadness struck me as the thought came to me, "the chapter of my life with those wonderful people in it is over." I don't mean that I won't see them again. It's just that they aren't there like they once were, and I don't blame them. I wouldn't change it at all. I've seen their entire personality light up with the joy of sharing their lives with another person. I couldn't have picked better spouses for them myself. This probably sounds juvenile- because in a way it is.

I guess the main reason for my feelings that night was that I want that too. I want to be able to make excuses to leave 'guys night' early; for someone to go home to. Sure- I've had a lot of adventures, and I plan to continue that in the future. But who wants to go it alone? To experience the love of someone that makes you a better person is what I crave. I want to live my life for someone that knows without a shadow of doubt that they have my heart. Like a child nestled in layers of blankets on a cold winter's night; knowing that though the storm may be raging outside, you are safe and because of that, you can rest easy.


An amazing song:

The Loneliest Library

Yesterday, as I was sitting in Biology class I noticed a boy and girl in front of me that were unabashedly flirting. It wasn't a bad thing really. I mean, good for them! You could tell by their disregard for the professor's lecture that they were into each other. Maybe it was the fact that he was turned 90 degrees in his chair talking to her, so that his feet rested under her chair. Or maybe it was that when she said she had just shaved her legs he touched them lightly, whilst making eye contact. It even went as far as her touching his chest lightly telling him that he worked out a lot. Overall, it was the second best part of Biology class... next to the Cell Membrane.

I'm sure you thought I was joking.

It's funny how viewing things like that change your perspective and what you tend to notice. It wasn't that I was attracted to her- or him for that matter. It was that puppy love that they were experiencing.

Case in point: after class, I was in the library studying and I couldn't help but notice another couple. At first, it was just the boy standing oddly at the edge of a row of books, like he had somewhere to be but not impatient, just apprehensive. Then a girl came into the library, she had a look on her face that was pure excitement. I was on the upper floors so it is considered a quite zone. She walked quickly up to him, put her arms around his neck and they embraced. For the record: I'M NOT A CREEPER, they happened to be in my field of vision. At this point, they moved into the bookshelves, which are barely wide enough for one person to walk through, holding hands. I'm sure it was all very romantic.

much more narrow.

It also didn't help that I was listening to Death Cab for Cutie. I enjoy their (older) music quite a bit.