Don't Worry Baby

It seems like the more relationships I go through, the less I understand them. It's amazing that we put ourselves into turmoil and the depths of depravity just to feel the thrill of being wanted. Or maybe it's the fear of being alone that drives us? I used to try and make relationships work for as long as possible not because I wanted to try and date a particular person anymore, but because I didn't want to hurt them. Now I try not to get involved in the first place because I don't want to get hurt and because I want to cause as little hurt to others as possible.

I know it's a bad way to look at something as powerful and potentially positive as love. I just can't change it. I used to always want to be with her. To hold her hand all day and just stare into her eyes. I used to consider myself a hopeless romantic but when she left she took the romantic part with her and left me with the hopeless.

I think it has effected my ability to connect with someone. I want to fix it, to throw caution to the wind, but perhaps that isn't the best way. Because more than just young love, I want something real and concrete. Who doesn't want to be the 70 year-old couple that walks down the street holding hands?

I guess I'll wait... hopefully not too long though.

ps- I keep listening to this song.

Drive

Tonight I spent a few minutes reading A Sand County Almanac by Aldo Leopold and then went for a drive. I'm not sure why, but I ended up in a canyon near my place and it was one of the best decisions I've made all week.

The night was beautiful up there it was raining in the valley but there it was snowing lightly. I'm always amazed of just how much fresh snow changes things. It covers the world in such a way that no other natural phenomena can. All of the imperfections of the day to day are gone. A fresh sheet, a new slate. Even the tire marks were beginning to fade as I trudged on.

When I reached the end of the road, I was at a parking lot that is used for a small reservoir and also an unloading place for dirt bikes and the like. I pulled up to the edge where the snow had been piled up from plows and with my high beams, and tried to peer across the small body of water to the other side. I couldn't see anything. I turned off my car, unplugged my ipod, covered the annoying blinking lights, and sat. As one would expect, slowly my eyes adjusted to the light available. Then I remembered one of my favorite quotes from Edward Abbey that goes like this.

“There's another disadvantage to the use of the flashlight: like many other mechanical gadgets it tends to separate a man from the world around him. If I switch it on my eyes adapt to it and I can see only the small pool of light it makes in front of me; I am isolated. Leaving the flashlight in my pocket where it belongs, I remain a part of the environment I walk through and my vision though limited has no sharp or definite boundary.” 

It was nice to feel like I was closer to the natural world. (Keep in mind, I didn't actually get out of the car. I love nature, but it was freezing cold and snowing. Plus I have an irrational fear of cougars.)

So there I sat, with my car off letting the warmth radiate out of the car and into the night sky.And
I realized a few things. 1) I don't want my tracks to be covered up when I'm done here. I want to be remembered, and honestly I know that isn't weird but I've never before felt that in my own life with the clarity and very real possibility that it holds. When we leave here, our only contribution is through the lives of others. 2) I've felt like lately I've been turning my wheels and staying so busy but I am not making much progress. I need to better focus my activities while at the same time seeing the big picture. Turn off my proverbial flashlight as Abbey says. It was all very beautiful.

Weekend Thoughts

Over the weekend I had the chance to spend some time with great friends. We had a 'guys night' with some of my very best friends and it was so fun to see people that I hadn't had much interaction with in the past few months. Most of them are married so we rarely get an opportunity to all get together like we did. In honor of the occasion we ate sushi and watched a movie (side note: go see Chronicle, it's amazing) then after the movie, about half of the group needed to go home to their wives.

As I watched them walk away, a pang of sadness struck me as the thought came to me, "the chapter of my life with those wonderful people in it is over." I don't mean that I won't see them again. It's just that they aren't there like they once were, and I don't blame them. I wouldn't change it at all. I've seen their entire personality light up with the joy of sharing their lives with another person. I couldn't have picked better spouses for them myself. This probably sounds juvenile- because in a way it is.

I guess the main reason for my feelings that night was that I want that too. I want to be able to make excuses to leave 'guys night' early; for someone to go home to. Sure- I've had a lot of adventures, and I plan to continue that in the future. But who wants to go it alone? To experience the love of someone that makes you a better person is what I crave. I want to live my life for someone that knows without a shadow of doubt that they have my heart. Like a child nestled in layers of blankets on a cold winter's night; knowing that though the storm may be raging outside, you are safe and because of that, you can rest easy.


An amazing song:

The Loneliest Library

Yesterday, as I was sitting in Biology class I noticed a boy and girl in front of me that were unabashedly flirting. It wasn't a bad thing really. I mean, good for them! You could tell by their disregard for the professor's lecture that they were into each other. Maybe it was the fact that he was turned 90 degrees in his chair talking to her, so that his feet rested under her chair. Or maybe it was that when she said she had just shaved her legs he touched them lightly, whilst making eye contact. It even went as far as her touching his chest lightly telling him that he worked out a lot. Overall, it was the second best part of Biology class... next to the Cell Membrane.

I'm sure you thought I was joking.

It's funny how viewing things like that change your perspective and what you tend to notice. It wasn't that I was attracted to her- or him for that matter. It was that puppy love that they were experiencing.

Case in point: after class, I was in the library studying and I couldn't help but notice another couple. At first, it was just the boy standing oddly at the edge of a row of books, like he had somewhere to be but not impatient, just apprehensive. Then a girl came into the library, she had a look on her face that was pure excitement. I was on the upper floors so it is considered a quite zone. She walked quickly up to him, put her arms around his neck and they embraced. For the record: I'M NOT A CREEPER, they happened to be in my field of vision. At this point, they moved into the bookshelves, which are barely wide enough for one person to walk through, holding hands. I'm sure it was all very romantic.

much more narrow.

It also didn't help that I was listening to Death Cab for Cutie. I enjoy their (older) music quite a bit.

The Hardest Button to Button

Last week I was wearing an old pair of slacks at work. This might be an odd way to begin a story, but trust me- it's important. I also happened to drink two energy drinks and because caffeine is a diuretic (which means it increases the formation of urine in your kidneys) I had to go. Luckily, I was at work, no big deal right?
I entered the bathroom, a nice, big bathroom with three stalls and three urinals. I stepped up to a urinal, and when I went to unbutton my pants, the button popped right off and landed in the urinal and sunk to the bottom. I'm sure it would have been awkward to walk in at that point because as I'm standing there, I couldn't help but chuckle at how funny this little moment was!

The culprit.

My first mistake was thinking, "well, these are old pants and I don't really need that button." so I decided I was just going to let the button be flushed down the drain, so it goes. About midway through, I realized two things 1) I really liked that button and 2) the urinals were on an automatic sensor, so when I stepped away, I'd loose it forever. 

cleaver girl.

So I had but one choice, I waited until no one else was in the bathroom then slowly I moved my hand towards it's goal. I waited until the last possible moment to move my torso so if someone did happen to come in, it would be as normal looking as possible. Then I retrieved my button from a fate worse than death. 

Surprisingly, it was a lot like this.

 Needless to say, I did wash my hands and the button a numerous times after this.